shattered hearts and resurrected dreams
by kristy87
Summary: A roller coaster of feelings and memories is going to hunt Grissom through this piece... read inside summary for more information. GSR FINISHED
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI

AN: I couldn't help, I needed to start this WIP. I hope you like it : ) I do like the idea of the plot, the concept for the whole story is already written and I think I should be able to update once a week : ) (not as slow as I am updating **the petals of a wild rose **I promise!)

There will be 11 chapters.

Pairing: **GSR**, because I'm a shipper for life!

Summary: A roller coaster of feelings and memories is going to hunt Grissom through this piece. It all starts with a murdered woman being found in a motel room... Did Grissom end up like Lurie? Is the woman who gave his life a sense really dead? Could he take a life? Can he save what was lost? Will there be a chance for him to get the life back that he had started to live four years ago and had lost two years afterwards?

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**Shattered hearts and resurrected dreams**

Chapter 1

He pulled into the motel's parking lot, turned off the engine of his car, left it, went to get his kit from the trunk…it felt like it always felt. It was like it always was. He followed his daily routine, working the case, not showing emotions, doing the paper work, not thinking anything at all, going home where he was alone, trying to not feel anything, sleeping, hoping to not dream of her and the next day would be the same.

But after tonight nothing would be the same again, he didn't know yet though.

He saw Catherine standing in front of the barrier tape, discussing with a detective whom he had seen before but couldn't really remember. As he arrived Catherine turned to him and he wondered what had happened because that expression in her face wasn't what he usually saw there.

"Any reason why you are standing here and are not inside searching for evidence?" he asked in his usual tone, with the usual sound of his voice.

After this nothing would be _usual_ anymore. Not tonight and not in the next period of time.

"We are not allowed to work the case." She spoke softly and he noticed that her voice was shaking, he also noticed that her whole body was shaking. But he didn't know what to reason from this, he wondered if she would tell him. He thought about raising an eyebrow like he used to do, he thought about throwing a questioning look at her like he sometimes did. But then she started to speak again, her voice sounding sad, somehow there were traces of anger but he wasn't really sure. "Gil." She paused for a second, maybe less. She almost whispered and with all the people around it was hard to understand her. Just then he realized that everybody was staring at them, well almost everybody. He felt a weird mixture of feelings rising up in him, he began to worry about the reason why they were not allowed to work the case. "We…we had a… our relationship with the victim…"

"Who's the victim?" His voice sounded concerned, he was, he just wished that he could hide it better.

"…I entered and we were searching for any personal stuff to ID her…there's not much left of…" she swallowed hard. "The person who did this to her wanted to make sure that we wouldn't be able to identify her. He forgot the driver's licence though. Maybe it was hidden too well, maybe he hadn't enough time to search for it."

"Catherine, I don't want to know about all this. Just tell me who the victim is!" He grabbed her upper arms and shook her slightly. He knew that she was listing up all the facts because she felt that she wasn't strong enough to tell him who it was. But he needed to know.

"Sara." Her voice was almost soundless. But he heard her anyways. He wished he wouldn't have heard her though.

He felt numb. Completely numb. He couldn't move, he couldn't breath, he couldn't think.

_He's sitting on the armchair in the corner of the room, a soft smile on his lips as his eyes wander over her body which is half covered with their blankets. She's lying on her right side, her left leg is not covered, it lies on top of the white blankets. His eyes start right there, her toes, her knee, her thigh, her hip… _

_She throws his pillow at him, he knows that she doesn't like it when he's looking at her like this. She never believes him when he tells her how beautiful she is. For him she's the most beautiful woman in the world. His angel, his honey, his beautiful Sara. _

_"Don't you do that." She says trying to be serious but she breaks out into laughter right then. _

_He grins and he walks over to her, sitting down on the edge of the mattress, he reaches out for her hand. He places soft kisses on her knuckles and looks into her eyes while doing so. _

_She smiles brightly. _

_"I love you." She says softly and means it honestly, her words coming from the bottom of her heart and he knows it. And he can't describe how happy he feels. How much he loves her. _

_I love you… I love you… I love you…_

Her words echoed in his head. It didn't stop. Over and over again he heard her voice saying those words to him. He had given up hope to hear her saying those words to him again long time ago, but knowing that the woman who had changed his life into something better would never be able to say anything at all again… it stabbed his heart over and over again. Again and again and again... But there was no blood on his shirt, he wouldn't bleed. His heart had stopped beating long ago, it was frozen since a long time and probably some of the daggers would break before they could actually hurt him.

"Gil?"

He pretended that he didn't hear her. Once again, even if it was only in his head, once again he needed to hear Sara telling him that she loved him.

She didn't say it again. Catherine had ripped him out of this weird mixture between daydream and thoughts.

"Gil? Gil…if you…"

"I'm okay." He wasn't and he knew she wouldn't believe it. He didn't care. "Is dayshift working this case?"

"Yes." She answered softly and he knew that she was cursing him for pretending to be untouched by the fact that the dead woman had been identified as Sara.

He nodded softly. Then he turned around and left. Not telling anyone where he would go, when he would be back, what he would do… he didn't know it himself.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

"Al all I'm doing is asking you for a favor." He pleaded desperately.

"Gil, the dayshift coroner is responsible for her case, I am not allowed to talk about his work or to let you walk into the morgue and take a look at her only because…"

"Let me say goodbye." He was still pleading with the same desperation but this time Al Robbins gave in. He nodded softly and stepped aside, letting Grissom enter the morgue.

"The first one on the left, second from the top." He said with dried voice. "I'm sorry Gil." He added. "I know how much she still meant to you."

Grissom nodded, not really listening to what Doc Robbins had said. He opened the drawer and his eyes slowly wandered over the lifeless body that was still covered with a white blanket. He swallowed hard, he didn't know if he could look at her. He had been warned. Catherine had warned him. She had told him that the murderer, to prevent any identification, had removed fingertips and tiptoes. Catherine had added that there had been cuts all over the brunette's face, the sharp blade of the knife had left out not even the tiniest piece of skin.

He slowly removed the white cover, not much, only so far that his eyes could wander over her feet up to her knees. He swallowed hard. The memories of her ran through his head with an enormous speed.

He heard footsteps behind him but didn't care. He felt tears rising up in his eyes, seeing the woman he'd loved more than everything else in the world lying on the cold steel.

"Dr. Gil Grissom?" a cold male voice asked him.

He didn't turn around to look at the man. He just nodded.

"You're arrested for the murder of Sara Sidle. Everything you say can and will be used against you in trial. You have the right to a fair trial and a lawyer. If you don't have a lawyer, …" The man spoke with harsh voice while he handcuffed him.

Grissom didn't move. Didn't do anything to stop the man from doing so. He just wanted to wake up from this nightmare.

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TBC


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI

AN: Next chapter : ) hope you'll like it. I promise that there will happen something that clears up everything in the later chaps :whistles: but I'm a saddist so... well just read if you like to : )

maybe a little warning, there is a reason why this fan fic is rated M. This wont go NC17, but there's a reason for it being rated M and it's not really because of an "sexual" aspect.

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chapter 2

He still couldn't believe it, there he was, sitting in the interrogation room, but this time not as CSI, not as the scientist that he was, no today he was accused to be the murderer of the only person he had ever loved, the only person that he had ever felt connected with…

"Your fingerprints have been found all over the place, you did not really think that you could get away with this, did you?" the detective asked him harshly.

He just didn't understand, how could his fingerprints be at the scene? He had never before been at this motel, how could they be there?

But in fact he didn't really care, he had lost everything in life that had ever meant something to him. Actually he didn't care about anything anymore.

"Why did you kill her?" The detective asked almost whispering, calling on him to confess.

He kept still. He couldn't have killed her. Never he could have hurt her on purpose, let alone killing her.

"Did she make you angry?" He shot an asking look at Grissom. "Did it make you angry that she showed up here after such a long time? Did you settle an old score?"

"I didn't do this to her." Grissom said quietly, with a dry voice.

"According to the rumors you and Miss Sidle were romantically involved until she left thecity from one day to the other."

_He is late, he had promised her to be home half an hour ago and he knows that she will be mad at him. It was his first day of work after the accident. She quit her job, she just hadn't been able to stand it anymore. He had taken off three weeks to spend the time with her, he is sure that she needs him with her, that she wasn't able to be alone._

_He had promised to be home on time but while driving back from the crime scene to the lab he just had to stop and watch the sun rise. Its magic had given him new hope. The beauty of the rising sun, the beauty of the new day, the symbol for a new beginning. _

_He unlocks the door and enters, he walks through the hallway into the living room, calling out her name while doing so. She doesn't answer._

_He enters the living room and sees her leaning against the frame of the door that's leading to the patio. She's standing with her back to him, the light lets her hair shine and he can't help but think how incredible beautiful she is. But at the same time he's filled with worry, why doesn't she turn around, why doesn't she say anything?_

"_Sara?" He asks softly and holds his breath._

_She doesn't move. He wonders whether to walk over to her or to stay where he is. "Sara honey?"_

_Now she turns around. Her face is swollen, her eyes are blood-shot. She's not crying but she must have cried for hours. _

_They stare at each other. He feels pain rising up in him. He does not want her to cry, he does not want her to be sad. But he knows that he can't help her. And this helplessness is driving him insane._

_Their gazes meet and for a long time they remain in silence, their eyes never letting go off each other, neither he nor she moves away. Everything is silent around them, the beautiful morning turns into a beautiful day while inside of their house he senses that the new beginning he had been hoping for would rather be an ending._

_After a long time she breaks away from his gaze, she walks over to him, slowly. And right then he notices the three traveling bags on the ground next to the kitchen counter. He feels as if his heart is stabbed with a knife, the pain rushes through his body like a bolt, with an enormous speed. _

_She is shaking as she stops one foot away from him. Their eyes meet again and the urge to pull her into his arms becomes almost unbearable. But he feels that she doesn't want him to hold her._

_He sees the tears rising up in her eyes again, as one runs over her cheek he argues with himself whether to wipe it away with his thumb or to pretend that it's not there._

"_I'm sorry." She whispers and he knows that this is her way to say goodbye._

_He feels his heartbeat stopping right then. He can't feel the pain anymore because his whole body went numb. _

_She breaks the connection of their eyes and turns her face away from him. He wants to say something, he wants to make her stay, he does not want to loose her. He wishes that he could fight for her but he knows that he already lost this fight._

"_I understand." He whispers. He does not understand. He does not understand her at all, but he knows that this is what she needs to hear. He knows that, in her eyes, leaving is the only thing that she can do._

"So your suspicions are founded in rumors Detective Manson?" Gil's lawyer asked.

"Our suspicions are founded in the fact that we found your client's fingerprints in the victim's motel room, on her personal things and on the murder weapon."

Grissom swallowed hard.

"When your client has any other logical explanation why his prints were found there, I am willing to listen to him."

There was just no explanation for it! But he could not, did not want to believe that he could be able to do something like this. Not to her! Not to anybody but especially not to her!

Manson waited half a minute, the room lay in silence for that time, silence that Grissom wished he wouldn't have to hear.

"Where have you been five days ago between one and four AM Doctor Grissom?" Detective Manson asked with his obtrusive voice.

He didn't know. All he remembered was that he had had a couple of drinks and later on took two pills of the painkillers against his migraine. He also remembered that his schnapps had been out and that he had decided to get new one right then. From then on he didn't remember the tiniest thing.

Grissom stared down on his hands, wondering if these hands could maybe commit murder.

"Doctor Grissom?" Manson asked with raised eyebrow.

"I've been at home I think."

"You think?"

"I wasn't at work that night. I had planned to take off this day weeks ago. I spent the evening at home and had a couple of drinks, that's all I remember."

"A witness saw Miss Sidle and an unknown man enter her motel room at one AM in that night. The man left at four AM, Miss Sidle hadn't been seen again after that, there was a 'do not disturb' sign on her door so the motel personnel did not enter to clean up her room… until they suspected that something must be wrong in there because Miss Sidle hadn't been seen in all those days in between said night and the night that she has been found." The detective told him with cold voice. "I have following theory. You and Miss Sidle had an affair for some time until she left… or 'quit her job' as it's officially told. Now I was asking myself why she left… did something happen? No matter what it was, when she returned to Las Vegas last week and met you, maybe she even contacted you, you lost it, didn't you? She lived her life the way she wanted it to live, without being dependent on you, maybe she was dependant on someone else now? Maybe you couldn't stand the thought of her being with someone else. But you didn't let her notice. You went to her motel room with her. Then you argued with her, maybe, or did you just attack her? You had your reason already, hadn't you? You raped her and then you killed her. You thought you were smart, making sure to not leave behind any DNA evidence, removing her finger tips and tiptoes, cutting her face to make it impossible to identify her. But you forgot the driver's license. Why? Were you in a hurry? You didn't have the time to make sure we wouldn't find your fingerprints either… Or did you just stop caring whether we'd find you or not?"

He felt tears rising up in his eyes, desperation filling his body. "I did not kill her! I could have never hurt her! She's my life! She has always been although she left! I would never be able to do something like this to her!"

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**TBC**


	3. Chapter 3

disclaimer: I do not own CSI : (

an: next chapter : ) I hope you like it!

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chapter 3

He lay on the hard mattress, lay on his back, stared up to the ceiling and wanted nothing else but to cry. He wanted to cry for the woman he had loved, the woman who had taught him to love, to feel, to live. Now her life should be over? Now the person, that for him had always been the embodiment of life, the woman who had been _his_ life, had lost her life because of… of something he didn't know. This was senseless. So senseless! Her life had been taken away from her, had been taken away from her by some bastard for whom she had been nothing more than an object.

He hadn't seen much of her dead body, had only seen her feet, her lower legs and her knees… he had felt his heart aching, almost breaking… he had felt the incredible pain running though his body, it had filled him with only one demand… revenge. Revenge. He wanted to pay revenge to that bastard who had done this to her.

He wished that he cold have touched her one last time. He wished he could have touched her soft skin, feel her soft shivers under his finger tips… he wished he'd have the chance to let his hand slip over her foot, over her lower leg up to her knee, over her thigh to her hip once again. Feel her, hear her, hear her breathing, hear her voice…

_He's sitting on the armchair in the corner of the room. The memories of last night's lovemaking are running through his head. Every second he can spend close to her, every second that he can spend with her is more than he ever wished for, so many emotions fill him when he is with her. Emotions that she's taught him to feel. _

_There's a soft smile on his lips as his eyes wander over her body which is half covered with their blankets. Every time he sees her he is stunned by her beauty. He can't believe that she wants to be with him. What can he offer her? He really doesn't know and every time he's asking himself this question he knows that she notices it. Because every time when he thinks about it she begins to smirk and her eyes begin to shine and then she tries to rip him out of his thoughts… she does not want him to wonder why, she only wants him to care about the fact that she does want to be with him. _

_She's lying on her right side, her left leg is not covered, it lies on top of the cover. His eyes start right there, her toes, her legs, her hips… _

_She throws his pillow on him, he knows that she doesn't like it when he's looking at her like this. She never believes him when he tells her how beautiful she is. For him she's the most beautiful woman in the world. His angel, his honey, his beautiful Sara. _

_If he could he would spend the whole day just looking at her, if she would let him he would spend the rest of his life with his hands slipping over her soft skin… He never thought that he could give in to his feelings, his longings… Now when he is here with her, now when he sees that all the things he has been dreaming of became true, he can't help but feel incredibly happy. The smile on his lips gets even brighter and he wishes that he could put into words what he feels for her, but he can't describe it, because this goes so much deeper than love. _

_"Don't you do that." She says trying to be serious but she breaks out into laughter right then. _

_He loves her smile, he loves her laughter, he loves it when she's happy and he wants her to be happy for the rest of her life. His heart is surrounded with this familiar warmth that he is feeling whenever she is happy, whenever she smiles, whenever she is laughing. He wants to pull her into his arms, wants to hold her close to him. _

_He grins and he walks over to her, sitting down on the edge of the mattress he reaches out for her hand. He places soft kisses on her knuckles and looks into her eyes while doing so. _

_He knows that she loves this. Softness, she loves this softness between them. At first he hadn't seen her vulnerability, he hadn't seen a lot of things. But as he had started to see the real Sara, as she had let him in on her most kept secrets, he had realized that this façade around her, the façade that he had seen, had lead him into a wrong direction. He had finally started to see how much she needed him and how much he had hurt her with his behavior and he had finally started to see how much he needed her. _

_She smiles brightly. Her eyes are shining and he can tell how happy she feels. He can see their future right there in her eyes, he can see that they will be happy for the rest of their lives, happy together. "I love you." She says softly and means it honestly, her words come from the bottom of her heart and he knows it. And he can't describe how happy he feels. How much he loves her. She's the one for him, one day, he knows, he is going to marry her, he's going to make her the mother of his children, he's going to make her the happiest woman in the world._

Tears were running down is cheeks. He had tried to swallow them but finally he had given in. He missed her. He had missed her for two years and now, now she was dead and he would never see her again. Never hear her voice again. Never hear her laughter again. Never feel her again. Never feel her soft lips on his again, never feel her soft lips on the skin of his neck… she would never snicker again when he tickles her with his beard while his lips are tracing down her neck…

He rolled on the right side of his body and buried his face into the small pillow. He wished that she would be there to comfort him, he'd been wishing this for the last two years. Had been wishing that she would come back. Had prayed that she would come back and would comfort him from all the pain he felt since she had left.

_She's lying on her right side, her left leg is not covered, it lies on top of the cover. His eyes start right there, her toes, her feet, her ankle, the small tattoo that he loves to kiss because she always begins to giggle when he does so…. _

_Tattoo. _

His eyes widened.

_Tattoo?_

He sat up, his heart beating faster.

_Tattoo!_

The woman in the morgue did not have a tattoo on her left ankle!

* * *

TBC

If I'd have planned to let her be dead I would have warned for CDin the beginning ; ) But if I would have said that it's not a CD fic it would have spoiled the first part of the fic. So please forgive me. : )


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI

AN: Sorry for this chap being late! but here it is: )

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chapter 4

He sat in the interrogation room again, his elbows on the table, his face in his hands, supporting his weight on his arms. He just couldn't believe all this.

The dead woman's DNA hadn't been tested, her body had been released and she had been cremated.

Grissom's lawyer was thrilled about the fact that, due to the dayshift CSI's mistake, he had something in his hands against the accusers. Grissom wasn't thrilled at all. He didn't care whether or not this mistake would help him to get free, all he had needed was the certitude that the woman in the morgue hadn't been Sara – and this certitude couldn't be given to him anymore. He could tell himself that Sara couldn't be dead, but he was used to cling on to the facts, the evidence that _never_ lied…

"What makes you so sure that she is alive?" Detective Manson asked, this time seeming as if he could believe at least a bit that Grissom was telling the truth.

"The woman who I saw in the morgue didn't have a tattoo, Sara had one." He told him, he'd been telling this to so many persons in the last twenty-four hours, and no-one except for his lawyer, had seemed to believe him.

But Manson nodded. "The dayshift coroner is going to bring us the pictures that had been taken of her feet, we'll hopefully be able to see or _not_ see something there."

Nick and Greg had asked for the body to be released. They had remembered Sara's wish, had remembered that she wanted to be cremated. Grissom didn't know if there had already been a funeral ceremony, he hadn't been allowed to see anyone, hadn't been allowed to speak to anyone working for the department. And the only friends he had were his colleagues, the only persons that he could get information about what had happened from were working for the department.

But even if they would have been able to get a DNA sample from the dead woman, they wouldn't have been able to prove that she wasn't Sara. Sara's DNA wasn't saved in the system since she had left the department and according to Manson it had been impossible to find out where she'd lived or worked in the last years.

And that worried Grissom even more. What had happened to Sara? He had tried to find her after she had left, in a time where he hadn't been able to deal with the fact that she didn't want to be with him anymore. She had never called him, never sent a letter or an email and as far as he knew she had never been in contact with any of her friends from Vegas. He had never managed to find out where she went, he hadn't even had the tiniest clue about where she might have wanted to go. He had tried to contact her brother but hadn't managed to find him, Sara had never talked much about him… and her mother was dead, that was the only thing that he knew about Sara's family except for the destroyed childhood she had had.

A knock on the door ripped Grissom out of his thoughts, Manson stood up and opened the door. Grissom could see that a man handed Manson a file, Manson nodded softly and closed the door again. He sat down and opened the file, flicking though some of the pictures, he finally placed some of them on the table.

Grissom swallowed hard, praying that the pictures were not showing Sara's feet and ankles.

"Where was Miss Sidles tattoo?" Manson asked after a while.

Grissom closed his eyes for a second, the picture of Sara's legs and feet running through his mind. Warmth filled him, thinking of her often did that to him. Thinking of the good moments did that to him. But the events of the last days more and more brought back all the bad memories of their life together, the things that had hurt him, the things with which he had hurt her… and still he wondered why she had left two years ago.

"There." He pointed on one of the pictures. "It was a flower-shaped tattoo."

Manson nodded. "Do you know of anyone who could confirm this? Or do you happen to have any pictures of it?"

"I don't have any pictures of her."

Manson raised an eyebrow. Grissom glanced at him and then stared back down on his hands. "Not anymore." He said softly.

"Because she hurt you? _Or_ did you get over her?"

"Because I couldn't stand being reminded of all the times we'd spent together." Grissom said hoarsely.

"Because she hurt you." Manson assumed with new confidence.

"No. Because I must have done something that hurt her so much that she left me." Grissom felt tears rising up in his eyes.

"Do you know where she went when she left?"

"No. No I don't know it! I told you before. I don't know where she went! I don't know why she left! I… I only know that the woman on these pictures can't be Sara." He felt so desperate and helpless.

Manson sighed. "We'll try to find someone who can confirm this." He left his seat and headed for the door. Then he stopped and turned around again. "But even if this woman is not Sara Sidle, this doesn't mean you didn't kill her." With that said Manson opened the door and left.

Grissom stared down on his hands. He took a deep breath and then stood up. Sara wasn't dead but were as she? He wished that he could search for her, but he hadn't been able to find her back then, how should he be able to find her now? She did not want to be found. Not by him. Not by the police. By no-one. She had started a new life and she obviously didn't want anyone from her past in this new life.

As long as Sara wasn't dead Grissom didn't care whether or not he'd be sent to prison for the rest of his life. As long as Sara would be able to continue her life he didn't care about what would happen to him.

* * *

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI

AN: This chap is a little bit shorter... the next one might be as short as this one, but from chapter seven on the chaps should be longer again :)

many thanks for all the reviews! They make my day! Thank you very much! Sorry for this chap being so late but all the x-mas stuff really stole my time.

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chapter 5

Grissom sat on the bed, he stared down on his hands and wondered if these hands could kill.

The dead woman wasn't Sara for sure, but… his prints had been at the scene nonetheless.

He sat there and wondered what would have happened if a woman looking like Sara would have offered him to spend the night with her in exactly _that _night.

He tried to remember what he had done in that night but like before he just couldn't remember anything after the moment in that he had left his house to get something to drink.

He knew that he had planned to go to a store to buy a new bottle of booze, but he didn't remember reaching the store. Neither did he remember that he bought some, in fact there hadn't been a bottle of booze in his house when he woke up in the morning. But on the other hand he hadn't paid attention to this, so there could have been one and he might have missed it.

But there was a bar on the way to the store. He knew that. He had passed it by so often, always wondering if he should maybe enter. He had never entered it. At least not that he knew.

Maybe he had entered it that night. Maybe he had taken seat somewhere and ordered a couple of drinks. Maybe a young woman had taken seat next to him. Maybe he had started to talk with her. Maybe she had been flirting with him. Maybe he had lost control over himself. Maybe he had agreed in leaving together, maybe he had even been the one who had asked her to leave with him.

In that night. In _that_ night.

_His hand brushes through her hair, their lips meet and for a second he just enjoys the simple feeling of their lips touching each other. Then he wants and needs more. Slowly he opens his lips and lets his tongue slip over her bottom lip. He can feel that she's smiling softly. She opens her lips a bit to invite his tongue in. He doesn't wait for a second invitation. Their tongues meet each other in a passionate dance. _

_His one arm lies around her waist and presses her close to him. Her hands are on his cheeks, holding his face close to hers as if she is scared that he would want to pull away from her, she never ever wants to let go of him. _

_When their lips separate after a long time she opens her eyes again and their gazes meet. She is smiling brighter now. _

_His heart is jumping, he feels like the luckiest man under the sun. In his arms he's holding the woman he loves, the woman that he wants to spend the rest of his life with. The woman that he_ _**is**_ _going to spend the rest of his life with._

So he had probably followed her invitation. Had been going to her motel room with her.

A young brunette woman, with Sara's height and a similar figure… a woman that did look a bit like Sara.

Maybe he had slept with her. Maybe. And then?

Did he hate himself so much that he lost control? That he didn't want to control himself anymore? Did he hate this woman so much because she had made him sleep with her? Did he hate her so much because she looked so much like Sara, but wasn't the real Sara?

Something must have happened. He must have lost control.

Then he killed her. Took her life because she wasn't able to complete his.

And then he had cleaned everything up, but he must have been so drunken that he forgot about a couple of prints. Or maybe he did stop caring. Maybe he had suddenly realized what he had done and maybe he had felt as if everything was senseless anyways.

Maybe he really did kill this woman. No not maybe, his prints were at the scene. Manson had already said it. There wasn't any other logical explanation for his prints being there.

"God I killed this woman." He softly spoke to himself. _Damn it, how could I let this happen? How?_

He slowly lay back on the mattress and closed his eyes, trying to remember. But there was nothing, nothing but the speculations of what might have happened.

There was no other explanation.

Or was there?

* * *

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI : ( otherwise everything would be so much better for us GSR shippers.

AN: actually I planned to post this on Friday but I want to finish my fan fictions as fast as possible because I think I should not leave the readers with open ended stories when I should decide to stop writing CSI fan fictions.

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chapter 6

_…blue …darkness…blue…darkness… blue…darkness…blue…darkness… blue …darkness…blue…_

_he hears the ambulance drive away and the colors of the flashing light are fading, the darkness in the hall prevails again. He hears Warrick's steps behind himself but he doesn't turn around._

He woke up, sweating and shaking. For a while he couldn't move, he tried to breath but it just didn't work. This dream had haunted him before, but when it had stopped a few months ago he had hoped that it would never return. And now it had.

He left his bed and took a deep breath. He leaned against the wall and closed his eyes. How could he have wanted to kill her when an accident that had happened to her years ago was still haunting him because she had been hurt. When even this accident was still scaring him and still haunting him, how could he take her life? Or the life of someone who looks like her. If this woman would have reminded him of Sara then he wouldn't have been able to hurt her. He would have felt as if he'd hurt Sara and this was something he could never do. He did not hate Sara for what she had done to him, there was nothing that she had done to him. She had left him because of something he didn't know. But he was sure that she hadn't left with the intention to hurt him. He had missed her and it had hurt. And it still did, but this was no reason to be mad at her, to hate her or to even want to kill her or a woman who reminds him of her.

_Okay, calm down Gil. There must be a logical explanation for all this. There must. You couldn't kill a helpless woman._

Now he was walking around in circles in his cell. He just didn't want to accept this. He couldn't accept this. He could never take the life of an innocent person!

His prints were at the scene. But there could be many reasons for this. Maybe he had been there, but that didn't mean that he killed her. Someone else could have killed her. Someone who cleaned up afterwards. Someone who wore gloves and so didn't saw any need in cleaning up _that_ thoroughly.

Okay, he knew that this was probably not it.

But why had Sara's driver's license been found at the scene? The woman hadn't been Sara, what had she been doing with Sara's driver's license? Who had given it to her? Where did she get it from? Why had it been in her purse?

There were a couple of possibilities how that woman might have gotten it. Maybe she had stolen Sara's purse, maybe Sara had lost it and the woman had found it, maybe it had been faked.

The first two reasons wouldn't explain why the woman still kept it in her purse though. Every other person would have given it back to the person that it originally belonged to, not after stealing it, but after finding it.

And that brought him to another thought. When the police had Sara's driver's license, they should also have her address. But Manson had told him that they did not have an address. So there must be something wrong with it. It was either a faked copy of an old driver's license or it was really one of her old ones, but those should actually have been destroyed.

This scene must have been staged. There was no other logical explanation for all this. He wished that there'd be a chance for him to take a look on the evidence, but he knew that this wouldn't happen. So he had to work with the things he had heard of and had to assume and speculate. He wasn't used to this but he saw no other chance.

In fact he didn't need to prove someone else that he didn't kill this woman, he needed to prove it to himself. As soon as he would start to believe into his innocence he would be able to deal with all this, he would be able and willing to fight for his rights.

For a while he needed to push the disheveling memories of Sara and their past out of his head. He needed to clear his head to be able to think clearly about what to do. Needed to find a way to develop several theories about what might have happened.

Suddenly the door opened and a turnkey entered. "There's someone who wants to talk with you in the visitors room." He said with cold and emotionless voice.

Grissom wondered who this person could be but he did not try to ask the turnkey, he knew that he wouldn't get an answer anyways. So he followed the man out and through the hallways to the visitors room.

He entered and was lead to a seat.

And there she was.

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TBC

thanks for reading : )


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI

AN: Next chapter : ) enjoy! I was looking forward to writing this chap for weeks now... so I hope that you like it.

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chapter 7

He was shocked and happily surprised at the same time, totally taken aback and stunned.

It took him a moment to find back his senses enough to be able to sit down. He grabbed the telephone receiver, his eyes never leaving her.

Their gazes met and it felt as if a bolt ran through him. His chest tightened and his heart ached worse than it ever had before. "You look good" he whispered, unable to speak louder.

She gave a short ironic laugher. "We both don't." She stared down on her right hand and his eyes followed hers.

He swallowed hard. She still wore her wedding band. His heart was literally jumping...

"_Do you really think that you want this?" She asks still unbelieving. _

"_I have never been so sure about anything else." He whispers into her ear and smiles. _

_So they enter the small building. "I still can't believe that we're doing this." She tells him and laughs insecure. Grissom chuckles and twines his arms around her, pressing her back close to his chest. _

_They walk over to the reception desk and the receptionist tells them to wait for a couple of minutes. _

_A few moments later they're standing in front of a priest. She is nervous and so is he, but he tells himself that this is what he always wanted. This is in fact everything he ever wanted. _

_And then she is asked if she wants to spend the rest of her life with him and if she will be there for him no matter what will ever happen in the future. And she answers with the most beautiful, sweetest 'yes I do.' that he ever heard in his whole life._

_And then it's his turn. And he answers with the most honest 'yes I do' that he ever spoke out. And his eyes rest on her face, the sweet smile on her lips turns into a gorgeous one and the butterflies start to fly around in his stomach. _

_They exchange the rings and then he is told that he is now allowed to kiss his wife. He places his right hand on her cheek and with his left hand he brushes a strand of hair out of her face. He closes his eyes like she does and then their lips meet in a soft kiss. The sensations that are running through his body feel so new and still so familiar. He feels that she's parting her lips just enough so that he is able to slip his tongue into her mouth. _

_He massages her tongue with his and her arms slip around his neck. Never before he felt so happy._

He did not notice that her eyes had travelled up to his face again. When he did, he felt caught in a weird way. Sara shrugged. "We never got divorced."

No they didn't. But neither had he been there for her through the good and the bad times nor had she spent the last years with him.

There was an awkward tension surrounding them. They both wanted to avoid the themes that they really needed to talk about.

He finally found his words back although he was still overwhelmed by all the feelings and memories that had just broken down on him. The gladness that she was alive and the pure happiness that she was there, sitting in front of him, the words that he had planned to say to her the day that she would return, the fear that what she might tell him about her new life might not be what he wants to hear… everything confused him in a way that nothing had ever done before. "Who found you?"

She forced a soft smile. "Warrick and Greg searched for me over the internet, I did not really understand how but I think it's the result that counts."

"I… I am glad that you…" His voice was shaking. "…that you are not…that your not dead…that…"

She sighed. "Yeah. I…well I wouldn't say that I'm alive but at least the blood is still running through my veins."

He wanted nothing more than being able to pull her into his arms. He wanted to kiss her, wanted to kiss away the pain that she obviously felt although she gave her best to hide it. But he had to admit to himself that she was probably feeling this pain because of him. She probably wanted nothing more but to leave in that moment.

"Did you… did you do this to that woman?" She asked after a short moment of silence. She tried to figure out what he was thinking, he had always noticed it when she did this.

"I don't know." He confessed.

"How can you not know?" She asked unbelieving.

He swallowed hard. "I drank too much, took painkillers, drank again, then left the house to buy more to drink. Next thing I remember is waking up in my bed, taking painkillers against the headache and taking a shower."

She smirked for a second, but then the emotions left her face again. "You told this about a million times to a million different people didn't you?"

He nodded. "Does anybody know that you are here?"

She shook her head. "No. I…I told Warrick that I would go to talk to Manson. Except for the guys no-one knows that I am in Vegas..."

"Probably doesn't matter anyways." He sighed.

Silence followed once again. He wondered if he should ask her how she felt. He was scared that she wasn't fine but then again he was scared that she _was _without him.

"Gil?" She asked after a while, sounding as if she had been lost as deep in thoughts as he had been.

"Yes?" He answered softly.

She didn't say anything. She just stared at him for a minute or so. Then she left her seat. "I need to go…I hope that you will be able to prove that you didn't kill her." She said and nodded softly.

"Sara." He called out her name and it sounded like a plea.

She shook her head. "I… I have to leave Gil." She hung up the telephone receiver on her side of the glass wall and left.

"Don't leave me again." He whispered, well knowing that she couldn't hear him, well knowing that when she _would _be able to hear him, he would never find the strength to tell her.

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TBC


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI

AN: three more chaps to go after this one... wohoo! enjoy.

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chapter 8

He was lying on his bed trying to win back control over his feelings. Everything was going up and down, flying around, a mixture of indefinable feelings and emotions, some of which he hoped that he wouldn't have to feel them.

He wished that he could have asked her the question that was haunting him through his life ever since she had left him. _Why?_

Why hadn't she been able to continue to live her life with him in it. Together with him? _Why?_

Was it because of the accident?

_It's just a usual day at work, that's what he thinks. They enter the old warehouse and soon reach the crime scene over a gangway. It's just like it always is. _

_Warrick is taking pictures of the scene while Sara is trying to get fingerprints from one of the iron rails. Grissom carefully watches Sara from the corners of his eyes. She's leaning over the balustrade and Grissom holds his breath, feeling his heart beating faster. He doesn't feel well with the thought that she is still working and now this, 'does she have to get herself into danger on purpose?' He thinks, leaving his place to walk over to her._

_Suddenly there is a loud bang, the light goes off and there's a jolt running through the gangway. He hears her scream but he can't see anything. Then he hears a dull bounce and a soft groan from the groundtwenty feet below them._

"_Sara!" he screams out in panic. "Sara?" He's shaking, he can't see anything, he can't move, the shock fills his body and he starts feeling completely numb. _

_Warrick is the first one who gains back his senses. He turns on his flashlight and the suspicion that Sara fell down to the ground becomes a bitter certitude when neither of them can spot her on the gangway. _

"_Call 911!" That's everything Grissom gets over his lips. He's still not able to move. He can hardly breath. _

_Warrick runs over to the ladder and climbs down to the ground. Grissom hears how Warrick calls an ambulance and then he sees the light of Warrick's flashlight under his feet. He is too afraid to look down. He is too afraid that he might see Sara lying there in a pool of her own blood. He is too afraid to see the love of his life lying on the cold, dirty ground in her own blood. _

"_Sara?" He can hear Warrick's voice. "Sara are you okay?" _

_Grissom prays that Sara will answer Warrick. But there's nothing but silence. _

"_Sara c'mon wake up." Warrick sounds nervous. "Griss, …Griss she's unconscious."_

_Grissom wants to answer but he can't speak, his throat feels as if it's corded up. _

"_Grissom?" Warrick calls out. "Sara! Sara wake up!" _

_He is shaking when he finally manages to move. He carefully makes his way to the ladder. When he reaches the ground he can see Sara lyingin the dirt.Seeing her like this is more than he is able to take. _

"_Sara?" Warrick whispers to her. And then she opens her eyes for a second._

"_This hurts." That's all that she can say, then she looses conscience again. _

"_Sara you have to stay awake." Warrick is patting her cheeks. "Sara open your eyes."_

_It takes a while until she does so. "Where's Grissom?" She asks with weak voice._

"_He's over there." Warrick tells her, not knowing why Sara asks after Grissom, how should he know?_

_Then the ambulance arrives. The paramedics run over to Sara and take care of her. Grissom watches everything from where heis standing,almost thirtyfeet away from her. _

_He can see that Warrick is holding Sara's hand and that Warrick is talking to Sara but he can't hear anything. It'sas ifnot only his whole body but also his senses went numb. _

_Sara is carried to the ambulance and it doesn't take long until it drives away. _

…_blue …darkness…blue…darkness… blue…darkness…blue…darkness… blue …darkness…blue…_

_He hears the ambulance drive away and the colors of the flashing light are fading, the darkness in the hall prevails again. He hears Warrick's steps behind himself but he doesn't turn around._

Did the accident and its consequences still haunt her?

Later he had been told that there had been a short circuit which had caused the gangway to move so abruptly. He hadn't cared at all about the reasons. All he had been caring about was Sara. And the doctors did not really try to get his hopes up. Sara had been hurt badly and had had several inner injuries. They had told him that her chances were forty to sixty percent.

Sara had survived but it had never been the same. This accident had changed their whole life and all their plans were shattered into pieces.

And then Sara had left him.

Thinking about all this hurt. This time it even hurt more than ever before. He started shaking and rolled on his stomach, burying his face into the pillow.

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TBC


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI

AN: two more chapters to go after this one... enjoy. : )

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chapter 9

It was late at night when he woke up once again from a nightmare. But this time the dream had been different. This time he hadn't been dreaming of Sara lying hurt on the ground but of Sara lying dead on a table in the morgue. In his dream Doc Robbins had just opened her chest and he was searching for her heart. But it was not there. Suddenly Grissom had found himself standing next to Doc Robbins. The coroner had looked up to him and had asked him if he'd know what had happened to Sara's heart. He had shrugged and told him that he didn't know. Robbins then answered that maybe someone had broken it. He had swallowed hard and known that it must have been him. Then he'd waken up.

Grissom sat up and wished that he could turn on a light and could distract himself with reading. Reading textbooks had always helped him to distract himself from his nightmares. But now he couldn't read so he had to think of something else.

The problem was that he just couldn't think of anything else but Sara or things that were connected with her and their past.

He wondered what would have happened if he would have met Sara in that night. Or any other night. Actually it didn't matter when, but in that night he probably would have been even more emotional. Three years ago in that night he had asked her to marry him. And she had answered with yes. And then they had shared a lot of passionate kisses before he could even slip the ring over her finger.

It hadn't been easy for them to hide their relationship from their colleagues and friends but somehow they had managed to do so. He had known that it had hurt Sara that they had to keep it a secret, especially because _he_ had managed to do that so well. Even while she had been fighting for her life, and not only her own, he hadn't been able to take care of her. He had been standing in secure distance, observing what happened but unable to push away everything that held him back from running over to her. He had done _nothing_ but standing in the darkness while Warrick was kneeling next to her, while Warrick had been holding her hand, while Warrick had tried to keep her awake and had tried to calm her down while the paramedics were trying to stabilize her.

Not even in the hospital he had told anyone about him and Sara. Not even Jim. Not even Catherine. When the doctor had called him into his office the others had exchanged looks, he had felt that they were sensing that there had been something going on between him and Sara for a while without their knowledge. But they all had kept still and neither of them had ever asked him about it.

Not even now anyone of them officially knew that he and Sara had been married or in fact _were_ still married.

He wished that he would have told someone. That he would have told his friends, that they all would have known it from the beginning on. He and Sara had been so happy together and until this moment he had always thought that it had been the accident that had destroyed everything.

He had wondered for years why she had left him and now it was so obvious. She had left because he hadn't taken care of her the way that he should have. He hadn't been there for her when she had needed him the most. Yes he had visited her in the hospital, he had spent a lot of time with her at home, but in the moment in which she had been lying there in her own blood, asking for him, scared that she would die, scared that she would die without him, alone… in the moment in which he should have been holding her in his arms, he had been standing far away from her, so far that she could not even see him.

Suddenly everything was so clear to him. Suddenly he knew why Sara had not been able to stay with him. He started to hate himself for what he had done or better said _not_ done. And when _he_ hated himself, how must Sara have felt all the time?

When he would have met Sara accidentally in that night she probably wouldn't have wanted to even see him. She would have turned away and would have left and he would have followed her because he didn't knew better. He would have followed her until she would have stopped and then she probably would have told him why she hated him so much.

And he would have been able to understand her. He would have been standing there, unable to decide what to do but starting to hate himself.

But somehow Sara had found the strength to visit him in prison. Maybe she did not hate him anymore. Maybe she had started to forgive him, or at least hated him less than before.

Maybe, when the trial went well, maybe he could try to talk to her afterwards, maybe he could try to tell her how sorry he was, maybe he could at least tell her that he regret what he had done. Maybe one day she could forgive him.

He wanted her back in his life. He knew he would probably never be able to win back her heart again, but he wanted a chance to be able to try it again.

He was scared of the trial. What if he would be pleaded guilty? He would spend the rest of his life in prison, he would never see Sara again, he would never get a chance to make good what he made wrong.

He did not kill this woman, he was sure that he did not do this to her. But all he could do was trusting into his lawyer's skills.

* * *

TBC


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI

AN: okay I hope I managed to write this in a good way... I actually wanted to write this as the trial but I think that way it was better, the trial would have been about 5,000 words, I didn't want to punish anyone with that lol.

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chapter 10

It was the morning of the trial when Grissom was brought to the department. Sitting in the interrogation room, wondering what he was doing there again, he waited for his lawyer and Manson to appear. His lawyer entered after a while. "Hello Dr.Grissom." He said and sat down in front of him.

"Where's Manson?" Grissom asked a little confused.

"He should be here in a bit. He's talking to the attorney."

And then his lawyer told him the 'good' news.

Manson had believed Grissom's story and had not closed the case, he had continued investigating and he and his team came to the conclusion that the scene must have been staged. Thanks to Sara's testimony, that she had changed her last name into Grissom after their wedding and that she had of course also changed the dates in her driver's license almost three years ago, they were able to prove that the driver's license that had been found at the scene was a fake. The issue date on the found driver's license was March, 19th 2008.

In addition to this the fingerprints that had been found at the scene had only been prints from his right thumb. Clear prints, not one of them had been blurred, not one of them had only been a partial. His lawyer said that this scene would scream that it had been staged. And then Catherine had remembered a case that they had worked on about nine years ago. A case in which the suspect had produced rubber-hands which had the fingerprint pattern of their producer's fingers. And there had also been one with Grissom's fingerprint pattern.

The problem was that Paul Milander was dead. And that was what Grissom told his lawyer, but he only smiled. "Well, that's right. He is dead. He had two identities, Paul Milander and Douglas Mason. Douglas Mason had a son."

"His name is… Craig. If I remember that right."

"Exactly. He just turned eighteen. And with turning eighteen he received the bigger part of his heritage." He flicked through a couple of pages in a file. "Here. This is Craig Mason's confession."

Grissom threw an unbelieving look at his lawyer. "What?" He just couldn't believe what he just heard. "How…how…"

"Miss Willows' statement about the rubber hands made Manson think about a possible motive for someone to stage the scene. Someone with a motive who had the possibility to get the rubber-hand with your fingerprint pattern. Manson searched for Craig Mason and…found him. As soon as the cops had brought him to the department for an interrogation he confessed everything. I guess he did not have the guts to compete with Manson."

Grissom couldn't believe what he had just been told. "May…may I read the confession?"

His lawyer nodded and handed the papers over to Grissom.

_June, 16th 2009; Las Vegas, Clark County, Nevada, USA_

_My name is Craig Mason, born March, 27th 1991._

_On January 10th 2008 I got to know about my father's real identity. I also got to know that a man called Dr. Gil Grissom had been the one who had investigated a case in which my father had been the suspect. A case which's investigation leaded to my father's suicide. I blame Dr. Gil Grissom for my father's death. _

_During a job shadowing program which had been organized by my school from February 2008 to March 2008 I spent time at the Las Vegas Police Department where I tried to find out some things about Dr. Grissom. _

_I found out several things, among others I found out that there had been rumors about him having a relationship with a former CSI called Sara Sidle when she had still been a member of his team. I found out that she had left the department in the summer of 2007 after an accident she had while she had investigated a crime scene. _

_When I tried to find out her address I got to know that her address in the year 2007 was also Dr. Grissom's address. With the help of a friend, who I am not going to name because I do not want to burden someone else with this confession, I found out that there was no address for Sara Sidle since she had left Las Vegas. I hoped that Dr. Grissom was not in contact with her since then._

_I was able to acquire a passport photo of Miss Sidle and together with aforesaid friend I purchased a faked driver's license, naming Sara Sidle as its owner. _

_When I turned eighteen and was able to take most of my heritage, I got hold of several of my father's works, among those was a rubber-hand with the fingerprint pattern of Dr. Gil Grissom. I did not know that it was Dr. Grissom's fingerprint pattern until I read a note, written by my father, a couple of days later. _

_With this rubber-hand and the faked driver's license I was able to realize my plan. I wanted to stage a murder scene which would make Dr. Grissom think that his former girlfriend had been killed and I wanted the police to think that it had been Dr. Grissom who killed her._

_On March 29th I met a prostitute who called herself 'Candy Moore'. I told her to book a motel room under the name 'Sara Sidle'. The next day I met her there. I killed her, staged the scene with the faked driver's license, the rubber-hand and then I made sure that her body could not be identified by her face, her finger or toe prints…_

Grissom looked up from the papers. He hadn't noticed that Manson had entered the room. The detective nodded and then sat down next to Grissom's lawyer. "I just talked to the attorney Dr. Grissom. You are free to go." On the one hand Grissom was happy and relieved because now he was free, but on the other hand he felt somehow sad because this young boy had destroyed his whole life by committing this murder. He'd spend the rest of his life in prison.

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Grissom took seat in the visitors room. He watched how the turnkey guided in Craig Mason, when the young boy sat down in front of him he signalized him to take the phone receiver. Craig shot an angry look at him but then he slowly grabbed the phone receiver. "What do you want from me?"

"You know who I am?"

"I remember you. You came to our house short before my father killed himself."

"I am sorry for what happened to your father."

"I can't buy me anything with that."

"No you can't. But you wont get out of here anymore. You killed an innocent woman just to pay revenge on me."

Craig stared down on the desk. "I wanted to hurt you."

"You managed to do that." Grissom left his seat. "You'll spend the rest of your life in prison though. I doubt that this is going to satisfy you as much as you thought it would." With that said Grissom left.

He had actually been going there to talk with Craig about his reasons, but suddenly he had felt that Craig was not the one that he should talk to.

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TBC

I don't know if this was really good. If you liked it or did not like it, please tell me, I'm trying to get better.


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: I do not own CSI

AN: Last chapter, enjoy! Many thanks for all the kind words, your reviews really made my day! THANK YOU

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chapter 11

He knocked on the door, his hands were shaking, his whole body was. When he heard her footsteps coming closer to the door he took a deep breath.

She opened the door and was slightly surprised. "What are you doing here?"

"They found the real murderer." He said softly. He stared at her, not knowing what to say next.

"I'm glad that you're free then." She said avoiding to look at him, making him wonder what she really thought.

"Can we talk Sara?" He asked almost pleading.

"I… I don't want to talk Gil." She sighed.

"Please." He whispered. "Please Sara."

"I don't want to talk Gil." She spoke louder, she sounded desperate. "I… I want to leave the past behind and you…you make it feel as if…as if…"

"Sara there are things that I have to know and…"

"…it took me two years to roughly get over what happened back then. I…"

"I deserve an explanation Sara." He told her more confident.

She looked down to the ground and was lost in thoughts for a while. Then she nodded and looked up again. She stepped aside and opened the door wider to let him enter. She closed the door behind him and walked over to the bed, she took seat on the edge of the mattress. "Ask."

He raised an eyebrow.

"You said that you need to know certain things so ask. I will answer."

"I…all the time I tried to figure out why you left. I…I know that I said that I would understand you but in fact I…I never did. Until… until the accident had happened I felt like we were on a one way street to heaven…"

_Softly he caresses her stomach. They're both lying on the sofa, she's leaning against his chest with her back. He kisses her neck and then whispers into her ear how much he loves her._

_She turns to face him. "I love you too." _

_They share a couple of soft kisses while his arms slip tighter around her waist. _

"_You made my life complete Sara." He tells her seriously. _

_A soft smile flashes over her lips. She leans her forehead against his. His hands slide back to her stomach. He softly caresses her soft skin, then he kisses her again. "I think it's a boy."_

_She chuckles. "You were the one who wanted this to be a surprise… so stop making theories. Yesterday you were sure that it's a girl and you bought a pair of pink baby-slippers."_

_Grissom smirks. "I just thought that since your pregnancy was a surprise it should also be a surprise whether our baby is a boy or a girl."_

_Sara kisses him again. "You're cute."_

"_I'm in love." He tells her grinning. Then he kisses her again._

"…and then you left. You left me and I…I felt like living in hell." His voice turned desperate.

_He stares at the calendar on the wall. Three weeks and four days. Three weeks and four days since she had left him. His gaze is drawn back to the bottle in his hand. He doesn't know how many bottles of beer he already drank today but he doesn't care. All he wants it to forget the pain for a while, even if it's only for a couple of hours, it's better than nothing he thinks. _

_After a while he leaves his seat to get another bottle. He glances around the room and suddenly a framed picture on the bookshelf catches his attention. The picture shows him and Sara and it had been taken on the day that she had told him that she was pregnant. He remembers how happy he felt back then and then he can't bear the frustration anymore. He grabs the picture and smashes it against the wall. _

_A second later he stares down on the shards and he realizes that these are not only the shards from the frame but are in fact the shards of his life._

"I'm sorry." She told him softly and he saw that tears were rising up in her eyes.

"Why did you leave Sara? Was …was it my fault?"

The tears started running down her cheeks. He wanted to wipe them away but he didn't know if she'd want him to.

"Was it because… because I did not care for you during the accident? Was it that I… that we…" He breathed faster, unable to control his body anymore. Tears rose up in his eyes.

"I…" She walked over to him. "I thought that…"

He felt the tears running down his cheeks and his whole body was shaking. He did not realize how close Sara was to him until he suddenly felt her hands on his chest.

"…after the accident…" her voice calmed down. "…I searched for someone whomI could blame for what had happened. I… I started blaming you because… because it's always easier to blame the others. But… when I was at home again, after the hospital and… you took care of me all the time… you did everything for me, you… you were there and you, all you thought about was comforting me and you didn't care about yourself… and then I… I realized that I could not blame you. All that hadn't been your fault. I was the one who wanted to continue working until it would get visible that I was pregnant. I was the one who was leaning over the balustrade… and when the light went out and the whole gangway was…I…I started blaming myself. And… I couldn't live with all the self hatred I felt. I… I was so confused and all the confusion made it impossible to just continue mylife the way it had been before."

He twined his arms around her and pressed her close to his chest. They stood there for a while, crying in each other's arms. And then Grissom realized that this was the first time that they were both lamenting their baby together.

After a long time and after they both had calmed down a bit, he pulled away from her. "Sara?" He whispered and wiped a few tears away from her cheek with his thumb.

"Yes." She answered softly.

"Do you still blame yourself?"

She shook her head. "It took me almost twenty months until I realized that this was an accident and that neither you nor I nor anybody else is responsible for what happened in that night. Something horrible happened but… it's impossible to change it." She sighed and completely broke away from his embrace. "It's just that…talking about it always… brings back these feelings and…" she sat down on the bed again. "…can you ever forgive me?" she asked hesitantly.

He started shaking again. He walked over to her and pulled her into his arms. He held her close to him and his hands slipped over her back. She twined her arms around his neck and buried her hands in his hair.

_Sara is sitting on a blanket on the lawn, suddenly a baseball lands right next to her. Grissom is laughing. "Hey, now that was pretty close!" _

_Sara chuckles when their son runs over to her. The blue eyed boy sits down next to her and grins brightly. Grissom follows him and leans forward to kiss Sara. Sara reaches out and takes the base ball cap off his head. Grissom smirks and takes it out of her hand again. Then he puts it on her head and kisses her again, before he takes seat in front of her, he leans back against her and she twines her arms around his chest. She places several soft kisses on his neck and laughs softly when she notices that their son is softly tugging on the sleeve of her shirt. "What's up Mickey Mouse?" _

"_Mom!" Michael complaints. "I'm six years old now."_

"_You'll always stay your Mom's Mickey Mouse, better get used to it." Grissom tells him grinning. Then he stands up again and reaches out for the baseball. "Come one, when you want to become a real baseball star you have to practise a little bit more."_

"_Yeah Mickey, hit the next one for me." She calls out. "I want to see a homerun!" _

"_You've heard her Michael." Grissom winks._

* * *

THE END

I hoped this wasn't too fluffy...and I hoped that you liked it at least a bit : )

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR READING AND MANY THANKS FOR ALL THE WONDERFUL, NICE REVIEWS


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